For my end-of-year uni exhibition, my tutor and I worked to set up one section of the exhibit. My friends joked at me, "bossing about" our tutor as I told him how I thought the pieces should hang. Black women often find themselves labelled with archetypes such as "bossy", "angry", "strong", or "mean", which warps their perception or they shrink themselves to be more palatable, leading to impostorism. 

A report revealed that two-thirds of women in the UK experienced impostor syndrome at work, with men being 18% less likely. This is exacerbated when race, sexuality and ethnicity are considered.

Imposter syndrome is a term coined by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978. As a Black creative who experiences feelings of impostorism, I know it is a psychological pattern of doubts about your accomplishments, attributing them to luck, and feeling like a fraud despite evidence. Although impostorism was originally studied only in female students, it is prevalent across all genders, ages, races, and occupations, particularly in underrepresented or disadvantaged groups.

To exist in the world as a Black woman is always to question your success or right to be in certain places, a voice that can become all-consuming. Most Black women have experienced being told they don't belong or won't succeed continuously.

In primary school, my head teacher called me into her office to say she felt I was "6 going on 16" and would never make it. As a Black woman talking to a little Black girl, she told me that the world is not a place for me to flourish. Not the way I currently exist – not without suppressing who I really am. Whether that little girl was too sassy, confident, or outspoken, what is clear is the negative stereotypes about Black women - that they are too lazy, loud, unintelligent or lack integrity - result in impostorism at a young age. 

Editing yourself does emotional damage and creates a narrative that you should not be there. Just existing can be seen as activism or protest; therefore, it's near impossible to separate politics and the experience of Black womanhood. We cannot just be here; it must be revolutionary and serve a more prominent political or intellectual purpose; otherwise, there is a form of scrutinising or taking apart.

The notion of "faking it to you make it" is a privilege not accessible to all and only makes impostorism worse as you find yourself over-proving what you've sold. The "prove it again bias" slows down progression and forces you to reconsider if you're up for the task. Despite the constant efforts to prove it, being paid, promoted and hired less validates your impostorism.

Many Black women find themselves being the first in many spaces. According to a 2020 report, only 58 Black women and 71 Latina women are promoted for every 100 men promoted. The lack of role models means there is no signal of achievement, so often you self-rationalise down to 1. I'm a token, which isn't about me, but rather about a box to be checked off. Or 2. I am exceptional, but at the cost of leaving loved ones behind. The pressure to achieve for those who haven't, before and after you, only fosters the idea that "there is no way I, the only one picked, am meant to be here".

Your place, though a step in the right direction, doesn't negate the fact that several others should be here too. The onus should be on corporate organisations to create environments that provide policy, support, professional development, wage transparency and equal pay. Lilly Singh's Ted Talk explains how gratitude is not a form of currency. She says, "don't weaponise gratitude", but instead, women need to be paid in money, opportunities, and promotion. 

The opening title might be misleading because it's evident that impostorism is something I am not new to. As friends called me bossy, my tutor told them, "She's not bossy; she's a leader". Although we may question our place here, no handouts were given, no luck has been had. We're here because we've worked hard to be here. We're qualified, and we add value. We're leaders, writers, creatives, visionaries, and inventors and that merit is on us and nothing else. That is why I'm not grateful to be here – proud, yes, but grateful, hell no.