I am not a religious person, but I have seen hell. Hell is a room of overconfident people talking over each other, unnecessarily loudly, not listening – all sounding exactly the same.

You may be familiar with the ‘allegory of the spoons’. The allegory differentiates between what heaven and hell look like. There are two rooms, each with a delicious plate of food in the middle. The only catch is everyone has spoons that are too long to feed themselves. In the first room, ‘hell’, they greedily try, fail, and end up hungry and bruised. In the second room, ‘heaven’, they have the same ungainly spoons, but the diners use them to feed each other. So everyone is well-fed, satisfied and has a lovely time.

At work, we have all experienced a version of the hellish room outlined above. Everyone feeding their egos, mouths open, desperate for the spotlight. Whether we like it or not, people gravitate towards the most ‘confident’ voices. They hold court and we listen. So, often it’s those people whose ideas and voices get heard.

Everyone wants to be confident. But what does that even mean? Is it about being listened to, having a voice, feeling good about ourselves, being decisive? If we are going to stay away from hell, the first thing we need to do is unlearn what we think we know about confidence.

So how do we do that? I believe we need to bust a series of myths that are holding us all back. An approach which I call ‘unlearning confidence’. 

The first myth we need to bust is the notion that people are born confident; the biggest myth of all. Confidence is not something you are born with, it is an outcome of experience. Of training. Of learning your craft. Of practice and effort. Of the culture and policy around you. Sure, some people will be born with an innate level of confidence, but these people are rare.

Building confidence is like driving a car.  If you’re too cocky at first, you might crash. But the more you drive, the better you become. You might have the odd prang along the way, but soon enough you’re a skilled pair of hands behind the wheel. This is why it is important to practise what you want to feel confident about. Whether that’s presenting, creativity, writing. Reach those celestial heights through persistence.

Busting the confidence myth

The second myth is that confident people don’t get nervous. In reality nervousness is an almost universal experience. This means rather than hiding them we should embrace the fact that nerves are good, they fuel you.

When I experience the adrenaline flood of nerves I think of the brilliant quote by a famous American activist Maggie Kuhn. She said: “Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind - even if your voice shakes.”

Maggie Kuhn founded the Gray Panthers movement after she was forced to retire at 65. She spent retirement and the rest of her life fighting ageism, and for the economic and sexual rights of women. She never considered herself a confident public speaker. What an example to all of us nervous presenters. Then there is Barbara Streisand, who  also notoriously suffers from stage fright. But she’s still excelled for decades.

So my message is simple but important; never let your nerves hold you back. That ‘confident’ person discreetly shaking behind the scenes doesn’t.  It is divine when you realise the fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself.

Don’t fake it until you make it

It is also important to recognise that you can fake confidence. However, there is nothing worse than the notion of faking it until you make it.

According to Deloitte’s inclusion survey 61% of people hide their true identities at work. Being your ‘best self’ in the creative industries normally means faking it. Celebrating confidence as a trait, not an outcome of talent.

So instead of trying to be someone else celebrate your own voice, style, tone and opinions. Find what you care about and talk about that. Be true to yourself, rather than pretending to be someone else.

If we unlearn confidence we can recognise that it isn’t all about being loud or extroverted. Instead it is about being secure enough in your own skin to step aside when you need to, and bring people in. Praise others when they deserve it and take credit when YOU deserve it.

It’s speaking up for what you believe in, what you feel is right, what you care about – even when it feels uncomfortable.

It’s not being afraid to fail. We are all experiments. Try things out, practise, say the thing you are afraid to say. If it doesn’t land, who cares? Move on and go again.

It’s being self-critical. Being open to feedback - asking for it, accepting it graciously and listening to it.

At Good Shout, we actively avoid talking about ‘confidence’. It’s weaponizing and meaningless;  particularly for women. Get good at what you do through practise, training, experimentation and listening.

Heaven is where everybody feeds each other: by listening, digesting and being thoughtful. Look for the skill and experience, rather than simply volume and self-assuredness. Confidence isn’t what you think – so let’s all stop pretending to be something we are not.